April 29, 2017

Yeah, I'm so glad I didn't go through with that share session...


 They said no when Tony asked for all of us to talk about the conversation. I had to text both of them and tell them thanks for not even bothering with listening to my thoughts. You don't even have to be close friends for that. You just have to be a friend. If it wasn't for me texting them and then Alec getting on to Trang, I don't think they would have even bothered. Their intention for the talk was just to sit there and say 'mmhmm' and that's it. A punching bag. A wall. That's not listening to someone. That's just hearing the words come out of their mouth.

I'm just going to write everything I wanted to say.

What did you think would happen after our talk Wednesday? What was the best case scenario? What was the worst? The best? We would have done what they wanted and we would have been okay with. Okay to not play games together because playing together was an obligation to them. Okay to not hangout because we're not close anyway. Okay with them not caring for us or our feelings. What was the worst? That we wouldn't be friends anymore. Though I hear that they don't want to burn any bridges, they would have been fine with that.

How can you say you love when you would hurt me like that? That you would say you felt obligated to hangout, to play games with us? That you didn't want to put up a front anymore. That you basically lied to my face. You could have just said no or suggested we do something else if that wasn't your idea of fun. But no. They went along because they would feel bad if they said no. That they didn't know whether it would upset me. How old are we? Seriously, how old are we? Every time we hung out, they basically grit their teeth and wait it out until they can leave. They didn't have fun. Conversations didn't flow.

We said we felt left out and all we wanted was to play together and be included in our group of "friends", but you said no. You said you weren't willing to compromise your free reign and it wasn't fun. It's like you threw it back in my face after I went to David and then you and told you I felt left out and this is what you decided. You even said we don't want you to feel like this is the group. That this is the only group of friends you can play with. It would be great if you guys could find other people that play like you do. Did it occur that I wanted to play with you and the others because you're my friend or did you only care for your enjoyment because it was a big inconvenience to play with us. You dreaded it after all.

You said we weren't close so you didn't understand why we would use the phrase second class citizen. That we weren't close, so you don't understand why we would ask you to wait for us. I'm sure if it was David or Alec that asked you to do what we did, you would have because yall are close right? If being close is the problem, then why didn't you just say "Annie, we've known you for so long, but I don't feel like I know anything about you." To which I would say to ask away. How simple was that? Why did you decide to have this conversation and gang up on me in my own home? But you said that the conversation would feel too forced and unnatural. There are just some people you click with when you first meet and some people you don't click with no matter how long you've known each other. The thing is how do you ever learn about someone without talking to them? And when I mentioned that Trang could have just texted me and asked to hangout and talk like we used to, she said at that point she just wasn't interested anymore. So tell me something... How do you become closer if you don't talk or spend time together? She didn't even try. If I'm not the ones that comes to her, she won't be the one to come to me. How do you go through life expecting everything to fall in your lap? If it doesn't, you can't be bothered doing the work.

I am a nice person. I care about my friends. I want them to be happy and you know that. Is that why you decided to pick me instead of Tony and tell me all of these things? Since neither Tony or I are close friends, it shouldn't have mattered right? He was the one who brought up the playing together matter in the first place. Or was it because you hoped that I would give you permission to carry on and not care about me or my feelings? That's sure what it sounds like when you said you've been trying to train Alec and David to not feel guilty. That they shouldn't feel bad that they don't want to play with us. That they want to play something else. I agree that you should do what you want. I can't make you play with me nor would I guilt trip you to do so. It's simple to just say I don't want to play x game today. So why feel guilty unless you believe you've done something wrong? I couldn't even say this last paragraph because it's all true. There was no point in even bringing it up.

Tony asked why did they agree to play together in the first place? Did they even mean it? Trang said no. She felt obligated to. David didn't even answer the question. This is all my friendship with David since second grade and my friendship with Trang since seventh grade amounted to. Will we ever be friends again? I don't know. They only want to act on their emotions. No logic. There's that saying... Even if you forgive, you can't forget. They can't take back their hurtful words and I won't ever forget them. They broke my trust by lying to me over and over again. They still lied even during this conversation. All I heard were words that contradicted each other. I think I was just a scapegoat. They didn't like that they would have to wait for us, that they would have to consider us, that they couldn't do whatever they wanted. They didn't want to play with us. And so what they did was come over to my house and had that conversation with me. Tell me that all of this was because we weren't close. That it's just my personality and they were okay with it. To leave it as my fault because I was the reason we weren't close. Because I didn't open up and share. But no. They just needed an out. They so called cared about my feelings but they trampled all over it that day. They didn't care. They just wanted to make themselves feel better. Make themselves not feel guilty. Make themselves not be the bad guy. And so, I want to be done. I want to not care anymore. It's hard because I genuinely cared about them. They just didn't care about me.