A Letter to My Friend

And the songs that are fitting...

Foreverinmotion - The Rain

Hilary Duff - Come Clean

Jayesslee - Dare You to Move

Jayesslee - Failure in Disguise
Kina Grannis - Sorry

...to accompany me during this self-reflection.

Dear Ducky,

I want to start this off by saying that whatever differences you see in me now isn't that I've changed because of what you told me. It simply me realizing that I haven't been expressing myself well and ''letting you in'' in a sense. I've done some self-reflecting and mulled over what happened these past few years in my life that led to this.

Let's go back to the very beginning. It was I that always came to you. I don't know when I stopped and I didn't realize it until now. I feel like I let life take me away and it must feel like I left you behind because I didn't come to you anymore. I did really like those times when we could just eat and talk. Right after the conversation, I did agree with Alec that a good course of action would have been getting to know me better. I'm much more mindful of my responses now that it's been brought to my attention. It honestly never occurred to me that that's how I was responding. Now, I believe that conversation was warranted because getting to know me isn't the entire problem. A lot of it has to do with building on our friendship over the years and I don't know when but that part fell off. And so, I'm telling you now that I'm sincerely glad you and David came over and spoke to me. As hard as it was for me during the conversation, I know it must have been hard for you to tell me these things. I'm glad David was there to give you the support to continue. You don't have to tell me things like I'm sorry because you were upset. It'd probably be worse if you didn't feel anything emotional about it because then I would think I didn't ever make a big enough impact on your life to even matter. 

Let's start with college when we were all reunited with each other again. I was really excited and happy. It was a chance for all of us to reconnect and spend some time together again. And in the beginning, that's exactly how it was. And then nursing school hit and you guys were further into your degree... that's probably when I felt the most alone and left out. You guys can't help that you have classes together and, therefore, lots of things to talk about and see each other often. Whereas, I could hardly spend time with you guys because of school. And this is likely where it went wrong. In hindsight, I should have just told you so and things would have better than they are now, but I didn't. I kept everything inside and hoped things would be better which, as you know, isn't how things change. You're not the only one that had problems with this part of me though. It was quite frustrating for Tony as well. I believe he told me just once that he won't know why I'm upset if I don't say so. That I can keep things inside and not tell him if I want, but after awhile, he's just going to take all of the "I'm fine" as me being fine because that's what I'm telling him. Did I want to this to be like one of those stories or dramas I read/watch that make me want to pull my hair out? Did I want to not be able to tell my boyfriend my thoughts and feelings? No, that's stupid. So I was just simply more mindful of what I thought and felt. I just waited until I was capable of keeping calm enough to say those things all the while letting him know I was just in the process of sorting things out but I would come when I was ready. And I should have learned from this and applied it to my other relationships, but I guess I didn't. I am glad you brought up that fact to me though. Like I said, it makes me more mindful and helps me understand where part of the problem lies. I was the one who put the barrier there. Was I stressed during nursing school? Every single day. I probably cried at least once a month. And these were honestly the things I should have told you because, even then, you were who I thought of for venting about these things. So why didn't I? I think maybe it had to do with my self-confidence. Making friends and letting people in has always been hard for me. I think because it's so hard for me to make friends, I'm afraid to let people see when I'm not happy and smiling. When I'm sad or upset or angry instead. I think I was just afraid that if you saw an uglier side of me, you wouldn't want to be my friend. Does that make sense in any way? No. That's not how real friendship works. And yet there was a part of me that felt that way. I think that part of me carried over from childhood.

I already told you that I'm an observant person and a good listener. I'm fairly decent at asking people questions and getting them to talk. It's how I learn about people. It's how I decide on how to approach them. You and I... We grew up and we changed. In your case, you speak your mind and are much more opinionated. I think that part intimidated me a little. I feel that you are very strong willed and rooted in what you believe. After not being able to connect to you for so long, I suppose I was just afraid that if I were to express my opinions now that it would just be bulldozed over. Not saying that's what would happen. David was actually very adamant that that wouldn't be the case. That you wouldn't try to sway my opinions. That I should be telling you these things. I was going to anyway. Though, I want to say it was good you needed those couple of days because I actually needed them too to collect my thoughts.

Now before I continue, is there anything else you want to ask or add?

Let's talk about the conversation next. It felt to me like we had agreed to walk separate paths, except you and David were the only ones walking and moving on and I was the one still standing here. And even though you guys were telling me we'll always be friends, it felt like I lost you anyway. Hearing that it was just an illusion. Us being close. That it was just a lie. Hurt. It hurt so much. Just what was I thinking regarding our friendship? Because it obviously wasn't true. And then I felt like a child again because I didn't know how to be a friend. How to keep a friend. And all those times I asked to spend time and hangout together and hoped it would help with the friendship. I suppose it was useless because it was all superficial in the end because I was the only one that looked forward to it. I would have loved doing something else that you and David would have wanted to instead. But no one told me anything.  And maybe at that point it wouldn't have mattered anymore because all it was is getting it over with and going home. And hearing that you were obligated feels like you couldn't even be bothered with me and that hurt.

I think it must have felt like you and David weren't getting through to me very well during our talk because I didn't give much input, but there's a reason for that and I already told David that night. You guys wouldn't have known this because we've never had a discussion similar to this. This how I function when it comes to these type of talks:

I do not like being blindsided. If you already knew you had this topic in mind then I'd like to know before you came over and we had the conversation. And no, I don't expect a long paragraph with a summary of what you're going to say. It could just be something like, "I want to talk about our friendship," and that would be good enough. It lets me know what to expect. I like to be prepared, so that I'll have something to say. Or else what will happen is me saying a lot of okays and not being able to answer much of your questions on demand. I have to absorb the information first, reflect on it, figure out what my thoughts and feelings are, and then I'll let you know. It's what you can expect of me every time we're to have one of these talks. As you can see, this is the result of what happens when I'm done processing through everything. On a side noted - the whole being prepared thing. It's why I don't work in places like the ER or ICU. The whole giving me a heads up part about the topic of the conversation just applies to major discussions like this. You don't have to give me a heads up every time we talk. It's up to your judgement.

The next part is our discussion about Tony. You and David can always tell me your thoughts and feelings and I'll respect them. I don't mind conversations with just the three of us. It was probably long overdue for us to have one. However, I don't like being the middle man. I don't like you telling me things then want me to tell Tony because I won't convey it properly. I can't say it exactly or give him the feelings you put behind your words or the thoughts behind your action. Only you can do that. Even though, you two are different you can have a discussion about this strain. You can be honest to each other. He can take it. And even if you don't agree in the end, at least you heard each other's side with all misunderstandings cleared. We've done all of this before. I talked to you and David first and then we had a group discussion later. This very much feels like a repeat of last time. As I said, you can always tell me your honest thoughts and feelings about anything. I don't have to like it, but it doesn't mean I won't listen.

I've had something similar to this happen before. Similar in the fact that I've had to sit down in a circle and had many people chime in on what they saw my weakness was. It's one of those team feedback things for the youth group at my church when we did a semi-annual review to improve one another and the group as a whole. I sat there and had them tell me I was too quiet. I should have spoken up more in the meetings. I should have taken on more task. They were quite disappointed from what they got in my interview and what I contributed to the team. Similar right? But different as well. In this case, they thought I wasn't capable as a leader. In your case, you understood that I had trouble opening up and would have accepted me either way. Though, I do want to say that I felt ganged up on by you and David. If I'm too be frank, it's kind of like you stabbed me with a knife and then David either took it out or twisted it in further depending on which part of the conversation we were in. And I do know that it wasn't your intention to make it like you were ganging up on me.

I know you brought up me deferring things to Tony whenever you asked me a question. It would help if you could give me a specific example. I don't remember ever telling you to ask Tony if you were asking me a question. The only reason I can possibly think of is if you asked me something he taught me about it, in which I hardly know anything about. Then, I'd probably tell you to ask him because I'd have no idea.

Yes, work is stressful. There are good days and bad days like any other day. On my good days, I'll have patients I can talk with. Patients that are still mentally intact. They usually really like me. I'm pretty good at explaining things and making sure all their needs are well taken care of. I think they can feel that I genuinely care about them as a person. And then there are the bad days. Days where I have to work on a different floor and no one helps me. No one talks to me. The patients dislike me because they were treated bad previously or they're just plain mean. I have patient's tell me I don't deserve to be a nursing. That I can't care for anyone. That I'm a fake. That they don't want me to be their nurse. That I might as well just quit now. So I have days where I go home and cry and sleep knowing I have to see them the next day. But I do it anyway because they need someone to care for them. And I just remind myself that there are people who do appreciate me and I always tell them upfront how kind they are. And there are times that I want to call you and vent and you'd probably tell me who cares about them. Except it's like 8 in the morning, so you're still asleep. And because it's been so long, I didn't know if it was okay anymore. Maybe you wouldn't care to know anymore.

I bought the bombshell kit last week. I wanted to ask you to show me how to use it and then we could do something together that wasn't playing online. but it didn't come until Friday or Saturday and I was already back to work Sunday. And now, all I hear is that we should take it easy and go with the flow and not force anything. So I don't even know if it's still okay to ask you to spend time together or for you to teach me.

And while I was afraid of being rejected, of you not being able to accept the person I am, I kept walking on and you were still standing there. Running to catch up to me because you didn't want to be left behind. Because you wanted to be a part of my life. I don't know how much of that holds true anymore though. And here you are, apologizing because you think it was because of how opinionated you are that we were unable to talk and bond, but it was really me. I know you said it was no one's fault, but it was mine. It was me with my lack of self-confidence and those insecurities that put up a barrier. And it was me that made things hard in the first place. And as time went on, I started to feel hopeless. That it didn't seem like you wanted to talk to me anymore or wanted to spend time together when, in fact, it was the opposite. You just had a different way of approaching things and I didn't recognize it. And those words that 'we're just too different' doesn't hold true for me. Yes, we are different, but that wasn't the problem. It was me not being upfront about my insecurities and us not saying anything until now.

I apologize for being a horrible friend to you these past years. I neglected you and our friendship. For not taking your feelings into consideration. We'll go where you want from here. And you can decide whether you still want to get to know me as a person. And if you have any questions, I'll answer them properly. Just don't expect another essay... The whole thing where I'm afraid to show you the uglier sides to me kind of blew up anyway, considering you already saw me cry and now I'm telling you all this. That's probably as ugly as it gets. It doesn't particularly hold water anymore. From my side, I already crossed the line I drew sometime back then. So for me, there's only going forward from here. It's whether you still want to go forward with me.